Episode 247: Redefining Weight Loss Success
Run time: 23:44
How to set a different type of weight loss goal that allows you to be naturally slender now, plus, a vision of your closet in the future.
On today's show, setting a different type of weight-loss goal that allows you to be
naturally slender now, plus a future vision of your closet.
Welcome to "Inside Out Weight Loss." I'm your host, Renee Stephens, and
together we're accessing and adjusting the control panel of your mind,
body, and spirit system, bringing ease and joy to your weight-loss journey
and fullness for the rest of your life. This journey isn't about food plans
and calorie counts. It is about learning to love and care for you, from the
inside out, so that it becomes natural and easy for you to be slim and
Join me. As a former-compulsive over eater, I've been where you've been,
and I'm here to help you create exactly what you want. Now go ahead and
take those moments you know you want to do it. If you've listened before,
maybe it's an automatic response already that just hearing the sound of my
voice starts to take you deeper and deeper into that delicious relaxation,
and you can relax about relaxing.
I know, me, I'm very capable of getting myself worked up because I'm not
relaxing properly, or enough, or fast enough. "Oh, my God!" But you can
just relax about relaxing, knowing that you can open up in your own time to
the deepest level that's available to you now, whatever that might be. Of
course, you'll want to stay awake, aware, and alert if you're doing
something like driving a car, in which case you might want to turn this off
and check back in when you can really let yourself go. I highly recommend
it, because I can't vouch for the safety of too much multi-tasking.
Now go ahead and take yourself deeper down, again, to whatever is available
to you now, even if it's just a breath looser, a breath deeper, a breath
more inside, inside of you. Bringing your awareness, calling it back from
all of the far, far places that you may have projected it, sent it. And
bring it back into your own body, into the center of you. Now the physical
center of our bodies is actually about two inches. That would be, I don't
know, four, five centimeters below your belly button, maybe a little less
than that. Just below your bellybutton is the physical center of our body.
So what if you're awareness were down there? Apparently, there's a whole
neural network that is like a mini-brain, or a different brain in our gut.
There's a gut brain just down there. There's also a heart brain. So you've
got your gut brain, and your heart brain, and your head brain.
So allow your awareness to drift down to wherever it feels most
comfortable, most called-to in this moment. And as you know, we become
present with ourselves, because that is where change occurs. That's where
all the good stuff happens within us.
Now if you've been here listening to the last couple of episodes, you know
that we've been exploring the question of how you can accept yourself now
and still create the change that you want. It seems like a dichotomy in our
culture, doesn't it? That I want to change, so therefore I find myself
currently, completely unacceptable. That's how I'm going to get myself to
do something about it, versus what I'm suggesting, which is, enjoy yourself
now, chubby cheeks, and dimply thighs, and pooch-y belly, and everything,
and that's how you're going to get slimmer.
"Right, Renee, lots of nice New Age airy-fairy talk there, huh? Sounds good
to you, but what about me? I'm a chub-ster and always have been one. This
stuff isn't going to work for me." Maybe that's what you've been thinking.
So I invite you to experiment a little bit and think back, "Well, gosh,
I've been rejecting myself all this time. Has it actually worked for me?
Have I gotten the results that I want?" And I dare say, if you're listening
to this podcast called "Inside Out Weight Loss," there's a good chance that
beating yourself up has not produced the desired long-term results that you
So maybe you're already there, you're like, "I get it! I'm so there! But
how? How can I do it? How can I actually come to accept myself now, when
truly I am repulsed by my blubber? I am repulsed by my laziness." Now I
don't know where you got it from. I don't know where I got it from. It was
just in the culture, because I'm telling you it is all over our culture
here in the United States and in other Western cultures too, but it seems
especially acute here in the US, that we learn that, no, we're going to get
tough. We're going to find ourselves unacceptable. And so we fear. We're
afraid of actually accepting ourselves as we are, which speaks to a
fundamental misunderstanding that I think we all have, I certainly did,
about how change happens.
Because the fact is that change is inevitable. It is an inevitable process
that is happening at all times. I was walking through my unkempt yard
thinking, "Yeah, there's an awful lot of change going on in this yard, and
it doesn't look good." It's looking pretty unkempt. And if I just leave the
yard like that, the longer I leave it, the more that it will change from
year to year. I would have to work to keep it the same, if that's what I
So nature knows all about change. It's an ongoing process at all times. As
are we. It is the very nature of our existence. It is the nature of life
that change is happening at all times. And so whether or not you accept
yourself as you are, you are currently changing. In fact, we have to work
very hard to not change.
And the way we do that is by telling ourselves lots of interesting stories
or loud stories, for lack of interest. We just make them louder, like,
"You're an idiot. You'll never change. There's something wrong with you.
You don't deserve it. All of these stories, which is all they are, that we
tell ourselves, are designed as part of our comprehensive plan to keep
ourselves stuck. Which we actually think is a comprehensive plan to change,
because we are confused. We've got our reverse-glasses on.
So you're thinking, "All right, Renee. So change is inevitable, like your
yard, but I'm betting that if you don't do anything to your yard, it
doesn't get any better looking. And what I want is to be better looking. I
want to be slim, and I want to be fit." And that is fair enough, because my
yard is going to need some serious T.L.C. In fact, probably really serious
T.L.C. to advance to an attractive state, given the state that it's in
But notice I said "T.L.C.," Tender Loving Care. They've done experiments,
maybe you've seen them, where someone sends love to a plant, and someone
sends hate to a plant, and two plants side by side. The one that gets the
love thoughts and the love feelings thrives, and the one that gets the hate
thoughts and feelings is all spindly and withered, and doesn't make it.
So apply love, and good things happen. Growth happens. Thriving happens.
Which takes us exactly where I want to be, which is all about being nice to
ourselves. We talked about this a little bit last time. How can we become
nicer to ourselves, if we have trained ourselves through years of dedicated
practice at beating ourselves up. I mean, heck, we've got a lot of neural
pathways in there, with the complaint about ourselves, give-ourselves-a-
hard-time circuitry getting a workout. You see, you thought you weren't
working out enough, and in fact, you've been working out that beat-yourself-
up circuitry really well for a long time, every day I'm guessing.
So again, if the path to creating what we want is, in fact, to be nicer to
ourselves, to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion, how the heck do
we get to do that, given we have so much practice and maybe training, and
even indoctrination from people who shall remain nameless in our family
tree. How do you do that? And this we will explore after the break.
You're listening to "Inside Out Weight Loss," and this is your host, Renee
Stephens. We'll be right back. If you're new to "Inside Out Weight Loss,"
I suggest you begin at the beginning. You'll hear my story in the prologue,
and then the key steps to the program in the early episodes. You'll find a
link to the archive at InsideOutWeightLoss.com. Scroll to the bottom of the
page and click "Podcasts."
=We're back now. How is it that we can actually be nicer to ourselves about
our bodies, about our weight? Because, after all, that's what brings us
together here. So let me ask you this. How do you define weight loss
success? This is a question that we have been exploring in the
InsideOutWeightLoss.com group. We've been talking about it on the forum and
in the group coaching calls, and I've had some really interesting
responses. Because typically, when you ask yourself that question, "How do
I define weight loss success?" the first thing that pops into many people's
minds is a number. A number on the scale. A number for clothing size, a
circumference of our hips, of our waist, of our bust, of chest, whatever it
is. It's a number.
And that means success if we are at that number. Now if you were to ask a
naturally slender person how they define success, I wonder if the question
would even make sense to them? Do they stay slim by having a number in
their mind? By obsessively measuring their hips and their waist? By vowing
that they'll be at a certain size of clothing? I don't think so. I think
it's kind of dull, because it's always the same size.
I just want to share this vision that I just had for you. I want you to
imagine for a moment that it is five years from now. You are looking in
your closet, and you are looking at some clothes that fit you and have long
fit you. And you think, "Hmm. It's time to go shopping. My wardrobe needs
an update." Not because your size has changed. It's the same as it has long
been, easily slim. It's the same happy size for you. But you need to go
shopping, because it's looking a little dated. Fancy that! It's really cool
when that happens.
I can tell you, if you don't mind me bragging for a moment, that happens to
me, and it's often my teenage daughter who lets me know, "Time for an
update, Mom." I do hope for you that it's a little gentler than your
teenager telling you that. But imagine that. Time to go shopping because
you need an update. Because everything still fits. It has long fit. And in
10 years' time, and in 20 years' time, you're like, "Oh, my God, I can't
believe I still have those hanging in my closet. They are so retro that
they are back in style now." And maybe your teenager will want to borrow
them. Ha ha!
OK. Back to the matter at hand, which is how the heck do you define success
and weight loss if it's not a number? If a naturally slender person is not
defining success by a number, because they just easily and naturally are
that size, that same slim size, then how the heck do they define it? Well,
they probably don't even think about success, because it's just the
default. So if you want to have an idea of what success looks like, because
you want to track your progress, being the good, goal-oriented person that
you are, may I suggest shifting your goal from an outcome sort of goal, a
number sort of goal, to an experience goal.
In other words, the experience of living naturally slender is, in fact, its
own reward. Isn't that strange? That it is more pleasurable to live in a
naturally slender way, more enjoyable than it is to live in an overweight
way. Quite the contrast to the visions of discipline and deprivation that
many of us bring to the table here from our past core experiences with
diet. So the experience of being naturally slender. What if that were your
goal? To have the experience?
So what the heck is the experience? It's about pleasure. We got that hint
already. And here we go. It's about doing your best in any given moment.
Perhaps to feel as good as you can in your body. To take good care of
yourself. So looking back on your day, which is always a lovely practice to
have as you settle down for the night, and you're writing in your success
journal, two good things from the day, two things that make you feel good.
You're writing in your journal, or you're doing your mental tabulation, and
you think, hmm, how was it? Did I enjoy my day? How could I bring more
enjoyment of living in my body to this day? What would be the answer to
that question for you?
Well, if I eat foods that make me feel deeply nourished. If I do nourishing
activities. If I go through my levels one, two, and three of self-
correcting. For those newbies out there, that's how you bring yourself back
into balance. These are all feel-good activities, how I bring myself back
into balance when I'm off. Did I read a good book? Did I spend a little
time in nature? Did I listen to some music that really renews me? Did I
connect with a friend? Did I dance to my favorite tunes? Did I spend some
time in prayer and meditation? Whatever it may be, did I do that?
Now if the answer is, "Well, no." Or if the answer is, "Actually, I stuffed
my face until it hurt all over, and I was numb," that's fine. Then all you
have to do is say, "OK, well there's an area where I could bring more
enjoyment and pleasure." And at this lovely little time at the end of the
day, or the beginning of your day, whenever it works for you, you say,
"Hmm.... If I could do that over again, what might I do differently?" Not
in the beat-yourself-up kind of way, get-tough kind of way. We've already
heard all about that. But in the, "Hmm, curious," kind of way.
I wonder what would work better. And you'll ask yourself that question.
You'll come up with an idea, and the idea may be a great one. It may be an
OK one. Maybe a really bad one. No worries. You'll discover as you
experiment with it in your mind or living it through in the next day or so,
next opportunity, how it works, and you'll gain more feedback from that
experience. And you'll say, "Hmm..."
For example, with a lot of my clients, I'll say, "Well, how would it have
been better?" And they'll say, "Well, I should never have gotten myself in
that situation in the first place. I shouldn't have eaten anything before.
I should not have let myself get so hungry." There's a popular one. "I
shouldn't have let myself get so hungry, and I should have said no to that
dinner engagement, and then the party afterward, and by the way, the fifth
whiskey was definitely not a good idea. Hmm."
OK. So lots of comprehensive change. And the reality is that it's too much
to consider. We want to do just a little piece. Just a little tweak that
you could make. So for example, instead of saying, "Well, I shouldn't have
let myself get so hungry," let's face it. In life, big hunger happens. We
may not plan for it. We may not like it, but from time to time, it's going
to happen. And so I think it's better to accept that sometimes you might
get too hungry. That's the reality. How could that be a better experience
So what if you could be relaxed and really hungry at the same time? What if
I could be really relaxed, even though I was so hungry, and I had run
myself ragged, and just say, "Huh. I'm worn down, and I'm depleted, and
it's OK. I'm relaxed about it." How would that work out?
If you say, "I'm going to never let myself get that hungry again, and you
do, well that might be too much. That might be your first draft. It doesn't
work. Next night, you say, "OK, well, that one didn't work. I did it again.
Let me revise. How about relaxed and hungry?" That's draft two. "How about,
hmm... keeping a little snack in my bag?" That might be draft three. "How
about connecting with a friend?" Draft four. Plenty of opportunities for
lots of drafts, as you redo the day. And by doing so, you are chipping
away, bit by bit, working on improving your experience of living a
naturally slender lifestyle. And each little step that you take, whether or
not it proves to be the final solution, is progress in that direction.
So what might be, if you're going to have a goal, if you're going to have
success, what might you put at the bottom of your list? And I'm going to
leave this open for you, just like I did for the members of the
InsideOutWeightLoss.com community, to see what you discover for you. Is it
being kind to yourself? Is it dong a redo? Is it learning something from
your experience, if only to acknowledge that it didn't work? Maybe you
don't have the wherewithal to do a redo tonight, but you can at least say,
"Well, that didn't work so well. Hmm... when I get around to it, the next
opportunity, I'll figure out something that may work a little bit better."
But at least I know that that, you know, cheesecake for dinner, whatever it
was, that wasn't so successful. So we'll come up with a better plan soon.
That may be all you got. And that can be success. Learning, enjoying,
experimenting, and forgiving. These are some of the aspects of setting
goals around optimizing your experience as a naturally slender person. So
here's your homework. How do you define success in your journey, and could
your definition of success include goals that are more of an experience
than they are of a number?
That brings us to the end of our show today. Thank you for being present.
"Inside Out Weight Loss" is produced by Andrew Frame [SP] of
BAFSoundworks.com. This is your host Renee Stephens, and I have a vision of
ending the weight struggle for anyone who cares to have freedom and peace.
And while we're at it, enabling you to develop and share your abundant
souls, yes. Join me as we evolve the world by evolving ourselves.
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